Random act of kindness = game changer

It was Sunday morning when I arrived at my local favourite coffee shop for my morning skim flat white. Our heavily pregnant owner / barista, Sam was having a quiet melt down. She rolled her eyes and said, "I thought we could manage with just the two of us today, but we have been flat out since we opened the door".

I commiserated and watched feeling helpless as they scurried to and fro; juggling orders, payments and coffee making. Looking at the line of coffee cups waiting and then the queue of new customers behind me, I said, "It's going to take a while to make my coffee so how about I take some orders and collect payments".

To the surprise of the other customers, I grabbed some takeaway cups and the texta and took down some orders. Everyone had big notes to pay and Sam's small change pot was not sufficient.

"I need to get some more change", I said.

"Go for it," she replied, "Press the red button on the till and help yourself", .

Behind the till, counting out change, I sorted notes and coins and topped up her change pot until she said, "Thanks Jen, here is your coffee."

"Sorry, I can't stay longer", I said.

"It is OK, that has been a great help", she said with a smile. "See you tomorrow."

Sam was smiling again, the customers felt seen and as a bonus I had a spring in my step.

A tiny random act of kindness turned out to be a game changer.

haiku

Sunrise, Finke River, Northern Territory 2008

My morning Haiku as seen from my swag in the desert.

 

 

Sunrise golden bands

White moon hangs in blue sky

Night lingers in day

 

 

High Priestess of Self Protection

Dear Self-Protector

I think it is time we had a little chat.

Firstly I want to thank you because I know that you have my best interests at heart. You have played a very important role all my life, reminding me of all the things that could go wrong every time I take a step in a new direction.

You have been very effective in keeping me on the straight and narrow. I do appreciate that you are always willing to step up to protect me from getting hurt.

However, I have decided I need to try some new things. I especially want to learn to flex the muscles in my under developed and under appreciated creative side of me. This will be hard for both of us as we look in a different direction.

So for a little while we need to keep your helpfulness in check as there are times when your attitude feels like a strait jacket literally holding me back.

Also I have noticed that when you get a little overly vigilant in your role of High Priestess of Self Protection, it can back fire really badly.

Take this last week for instance, you were very concerned about my foray into blogging and you were worried that it was not a meaningful use of my time. Further, I understand that you were concerned that I had exposed myself publicly and put myself at risk of humiliation and even shame.

Sadly your harping about being careful and being wary were heard by me as criticism as if you were putting up sign saying "Stop! Warning! Failure ahead"

When you get into this space, I have noticed all my good intentions fly out the window. I rebel. I feel so bad that I choose to stop eating properly, exercising well and taking care of myself. On top of that, I start to believe that I am completely hopeless even though your intention is simply to warn me about one thing I am doing.

So let's call a truce. I welcome your feedback when you think I may get hurt. I promise to listen but if I disagree, you will slip into the background and be supportive and remind me that I am being courageous and strong instead of naughty and fearful.

Love your owner and developer

Heart shaped flowers remind me of self compassion

10 delicious words

I often wish that I could enliven my writing with more beautiful words. I feel as though when I write I simply choose words that I use in my normal vocabulary.
So I decided the only way that I could add new words is to look for them and learn them and then use them. So far I am still at the looking stage.

Here are my ten favourite mouth watering words for this week. I love the sound of these words even though I may not have a use for them in my writing yet. I do like saying them. I have added their meaning and I am testing how I may have a use for them...

But first two words that conjure up ghastly images but have beautiful meanings..

I love the meaning of Bucolic which means "in a lovely rural setting", yet the sound of this word makes me think of bubonic plague or a disease.

I could imagine using it in "I want to live in a bucolic community" but would this have people very concerned for my health?

The same for Crepuscular which means "as seen at twilight or in dim light"; my absolute favourite light but the word conjures up images of boils and reminds me of the word fistular. I would love to say, "My favourite view of the world is when I look at it through my crepuscular vision, everything seems softer, rounder and loveable." Would people be sending me for optical tests?

Now to eight other words that have lept out at me this week as totally delicious.

I love textured words like Diaphanous which means filmy and Filament which means thread or strand. "I want to write words that weave a diaphanous filament through my life rather than a heavy tapestry that is my usual way of writing".

This week's favourite sound words are Mellifluous which means sweet sounding and Tintinnabulation which means tinkling. "My heart soared to the mellifluous sounds of Bach's concerto accompanied by the tintinnabulation of my favourite wind chimes"

How about  Epiphany which means a sudden revelation.."Every day I hope for an epiphany about what to write in my blog!"

My absolute favourite word this week is Fugacious which means fleeting. "Oh dear fugacious readers of my blog, I beseech you to linger just a while and read my posts.."

I was surprised when I found Propinquity which means proximity or nearness. "My dearest love, your propinquity had my heart a flutter"

How about the word Denouement meaning the resolution of a mystery. "I must find an opportunity this week to reveal the denouement."

Ooh so delicious, I love saying the words out loud and swirling them in my mouth. Maybe I will just find a way to enjoy them, relish them and not be so fussed about having to use them.

Favourite words on "Night reflection Darwin Harbour" Nov 2011

 

 

   

 

On being self conscious

A couple of years ago, I had to give a 3 minute speech at a leadership workshop on "something I was passionate about/ had taught me a lesson / gave me insight". Here is what I said..

Imagine this -a nine year old girl in pink flannelette pyjamas. She wraps her bath towel around her head and fashions it into beautiful hair. She sashays down the hallway. "Hey I’m Ginger", she says "from Gilligan’s Island".
 

That was me at the age of nine. We hadn’t had TV very long but I had decided that I wanted to be an actress, a star of TV, stage and screen. 

 

At the end of my schooling, I told my career counsellor, I either wanted to be an actress or a social worker. Well, you can guess where she pointed me. My career highlight of playing Sir Toby Belch in Twelfth Night somehow hadn’t convinced her of my undeniable acting talent. 

Throughout Uni, I chose all the drama electives and produced and played in the Uni Revues but still those voices in my head kept saying – "it’s not a proper job, you aren’t really good enough, you’ll be waiting tables more than acting so…"
 

I said good bye to my favourite character parts like Petunia Dell Arte in the Uni Revue and my clown persona called Certain. I wrapped my secret ambition in tissue paper and packed it away in my closet of Secret Dreams.
 

I then embarked on my cerebral journey though Social Work, Management and Business.
 

Many years later during the Hoffman Process, when the participants were invited to give me feedback, one man said “You should do acting. You are so interesting to watch. You have to do this now”.
 

My jaw dropped. I hadn’t mentioned acting once. How had he seen into my Closet of Secret Dreams. Buoyed by this information, my heart lifted and a little voice in my head said "It is time to take out my secret ambition and dust it off thirty years after it had been carefully put away".
 

I searched the Internet and found a class – perfect location, perfect time and unbelievably called “The Truth Masterclass” How "Hoffy" I thought. I may have forgotten my acting skills but I had sure been working on my truth.
 

We started working with techniques developed by Sanford Meisner. He says that Acting is behaving truthfully within imagined circumstance”. "This will be a cinch", I thought as I took to the stage for the first time. My Dark Side reared its ugly head and suddenly self consciousness, competitiveness and fear of failure gripped and paralysed me. My heart pounded in my chest, my mouth became dry and sticky. I froze and I failed. I went home and sobbed.
 

Meisner says that self consciousness is the single most destructive force against actors. He says the way to overcome this is to focus on the other actor. When you stop focusing on yourself, you get in touch with your inner truth.
 

The next week I picked myself up and went back again. Realising that this is just another step in my ongoing process of self awareness.- peeling off another layer of patterns to reveal the diamond within….

Now as I take my first tentative steps into the blogging world, I notice I am again self conscious, afraid of failure and letting my fear get in my way. Taking Meisner's view and turning it on its head, maybe in blogging overcoming self consciousness is about tuning into yourself, finding your inner truth and concentrating on that place and forgetting about other bloggers and the audience's reaction, or is it?

Protea petal fuzz September 2012

10 things I have learned

10 things I believed in my twenties

1. I can manage my weight; I may get a little overweight but I'll never get really fat; that is impossible.

2. I doesn't matter if I drink too much, eat what I like and smoke cigarettes;  Alcohol, food and cigarettes calm me down and make me feel better.

3. I am unloveable; I am always attracted to men who don't feel the same way about me.

4. I will never have an "only child"; It is just not right, it isn't normal.

5. I am ambitious; I will have an amazing career and be well known for my professional ability.

6. I am not an exercise fanatic; Sometimes, I throw myself into exercise but I can just as easily choose to be a sloth.

7. I am different; I will never turn out like my mother or father. They are so different to how I imagine myself in the future.

8. I am creative; I am and always will be creative and have this as part of my life. I love performing, I take awesome photographs, I make my own clothes, I will be amazing.

9. I am a city girl; I grew up in a small country town. I never want to live in the country, it is so boring.

10. I will always feel scared and worthless; On the outside, I am confident but underneath this is who I really am.

Twenties and fifties

10 things I know in my fifties

1. I have a healthy attitude to food and exercise and can stay a healthy weight. But it wasn't always so. I was obese when I was at my heaviest. I have lost 36kg since my fattest stage. Now I know I need be mindful and pay attention to the connection between food and exercise and weight.

2. Self soothing with alcohol, food and cigarettes makes me feel worse in the long run. From an emotional over-eater and drinker, I have only recently realised that a walk or meditation is so much more long lasting (and healthier) though I still break out from time to time when I feel overwhelmed.

3. My husband is my best friend; he is generous and loving, (as well as annoying and frustrating) but we share similar interests and care passionately (mostly) about the same things. This is what counts in a relationship.

4. I had one child because I thought a career was more important to me. Many people wished we had more children. I had serious regrets about this in my forties and only recently forgave myself for my choice. I have a wonderful (twenty-two year old) son. I cherish him dearly.

5. My career path took several unexpected turns. I didn't end up heading a government department as I imagined but rather ran a successful business with my husband. We lived together, worked together and often disagreed together and (yes we did) survive together.

6. I love exercise. Now I can't imagine a day without doing some strenuous activity. I love the feeling when I have worked out. About 5 years ago, a walk around the block felt too strenuous.

7. I have my mother's and father's best and worst characteristics and I am working on making the most of the best and the least of the worst..I love them both but still pull myself up hard when I hear myself speak or see myself behave like one of them.

8. I am creative but I have to make time to ensure I don't let it slip into the background. I love making art and photography. It is too easy for me to undervalue my creativity and let it slip.

9. My heart is in the country and this is where I feel most alive. I love country music. I am at peace when surrounded by nature. I yearn for a life where I can have the best of the country and the city where I live.

10. I am worthy, loveable and significant. Five years ago, I did the Hoffman Process and completely re-engineered my feelings of self worth. I moved from being an angry and unhappy critic to a (mostly) loving and (mostly) forgiving woman. My dips into self regret and misery are spaced further and further apart.. Hooray!

one gratitude a day

Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness says "Research (shows)..people who are consistently grateful have been found to be relatively happier, more energetic and more hopeful". She suggested making a note of things you appreciate every day.

This seems so simple that it couldn't possibly make a substantial difference. Two years ago when my husband and I were going through the stress of selling our business, we found ourselves becoming angry and bitter towards to the new owners and the way they were changing the service we had nurtured for 20 years.

Desperate to try anything to break our negative nexus, we started an evening gratitude ritual. As we sat in bed at night, we recalled 5 things that we were grateful for during that day.

Some days it was hard to find the five things. We pushed ourselves to pay attention to the little things that made us smile. When we resorted to yesterday's list as a cop-out, we tried to help each other remember something positive the other had experienced during the day. It worked. We both found our moods soften and ease with this simple strategy.

Now we use it on good days and bad to remember the fragments of beauty that float through our awareness.

Some of the things in my gratitude journal back in 2009 were

• cuddling in the soft warmth of my winter doona
• fresh pink blossoms on the camellia
• the autumnal leaf caught in a spider web
• a (rare) loving hug from my nineteen year old son
• the smell of fresh coffee at my favourite cafe
• my husband's corny joke
• waking before dawn for an early walk

This week I am grateful for

• delicious feedback on my first blog entries
• my first taste of kingfish sashimi
• the crunchy texture of my new "rainbow" salads
• warm sunshine on my skin
  
• the patter of gentle rain in the evening
• my husband's joy as he completes his first woodworking project
• my evening walk turns into a light jog again

Reflections January 2012

I am impatient

Earlier this year I did an 8 week print making course. We learned to do dry point etching and solar plate printing.

Each step of the process involved careful preparation of the design, application of the ink and then pressing the print on wet paper.

At the end of each class, I noticed that several of my prints were imperfect; some were crooked, some had a smudge of paint and others looked rushed. One or two were just right.

"Oh, you are so productive", said some of my classmates seeing my 8 works lined up against their perfect 4.

"No", I said. "I am just impatient".

I have been thinking about my impatience and realising that it often gets in my way.

• I rush to cut the vegies and without paying attention, I nick my finger.

• I start a course and when it gets too hard or I feel as though I can't do it, I give up and say it wasn't right for me.

• I start a weight loss program and when I put on weight in the first week, I say "well I am an emotional eater and life is stressful so it is no wonder I can't do it".

• I see lots of possibility and when I get overwhelmed by choice, I do nothing.

 

• When I am in an uncomfortable social situation, I look for an easy escape.

So this week, I am going to pay attention to my impatience, stay with the discomfort, slow down and open up to the unease and see where it leads me.



Printing making samples March 2012

I am good enough

Last night as I lay in bed trying to relax my body into sleep. My brain was in overdrive. Ideas for stories swirled inside my head.

I want to do everything. This is one of my "failings". I am not passionate about just one thing. I want it all.

I want to write about the people who have inspired me; inspired me to write, to experiment with art and photography, to connect with people, to show me insight where there is darkness, to develop my talents in special ways.

I want to share the books or words that I have read that have led me to transform my body, my emotional self and my thinking about the world.

I want to pay attention to the detail. So often when I walk or move through the world I am living inside my head, preoccupied and I miss the tiny beauty in everything around me.

I want to learn to play and have fun and be creative..

Then the blackness comes out of no-where. The inner critic looms..
"there are so many blogs out there," "you can't do this", "give up now before you find that you just aren't good enough".

So I turned over, saddened, disappointed and convinced this was true and went to sleep .

This morning, I have left my inner critic waiting to the side while I take another step into the blogging foray! This time, I intend to persist for now..

"Protea in afternoon light" September 2012

Lilac Quiver is born

Lilac Quiver is the symbol I have chosen to title my journey. I love the colour purple but lilac is softer, more feminine, as I explore my creative side.

A quiver holds arrows. I have many possibilities that I want to test and try and see what takes hold, finds purchase and makes a mark.

Quiver is also what I do when I imagine all the things that I can choose so I look forward to feeling strength as I pull back the bow and take aim at a new possibility.

"Raindrop on mint bush" August 2011

This bog is actually happening, thanks to the inspiration of Susannah Conway and her Blogging from the Heart course.

After many iterations, I have decided my Blog Mission Statement is

"To share my journey of self discovery, using stories, photographs and other creative medium to chart a new direction for my life and my work."

My story

I am a 54 year old woman in transition / on a cusp / emerging anew.

Even though my body is challenging me with hormonal rebalancing and aching and creaking to remind me it is ageing, I am (mostly) healthy and for that I am grateful.

I come from a serious family which values work and productivity above all. Play, creativity and fun don't come easily to me. Here I am at 54, free from work and with sufficient funds to choose to explore this side of myself.

I have had a lucky life and yet I often make choices to live someone else's dreams. By this I am mean I am a pleaser, I am always checking if what I do will make others happy or at least get their approval. 

When I stop now and say I can do anything I want, I am afraid. I don't know what makes my heart sing and ignites my passion.

Here I am in midlife and I want to take the steps to explore possibilities, learn about myself and in so doing find a way to make my own mark on the world.

I am sitting here with a blank canvas. This blog is where I want to share the things that inspire me, excite me and puzzle me.

I want to use this time to step tentatively in new directions, to dive into untested waters and to slosh around in some exciting creativity.

I am a person who always needs a plan so this is going to be a challenge to listen to the universe and be open to new opportunity.

I want to drop pebbles of possibility into the water and watch and experience the ripples of change within me and my world.

"Ripples in Lane Cove National Park" November 2011